I always give people more credit for their viewpoints than maybe i should, not that i'll stop giving them leeway. i forget how open-minded i have become and how long it has taken me to get out of the rut i was in. it seems like they (those who chose a religion that allows you to go to church or worship and then you're guaranteed freedom or heaven or whatever) like it that way, that it's all just easier.
       I like that i feel like i am responsible for my life and my choices. i like knowing that i am determining my future. Well, more like remembering it. I used to always think i was different and odd and that people didn't like me because of how outspoken i am. now i realize that people are just shocked sometimes to hear someone going against the grain. i think i was born against the grain.
       I used to try to fit in, i used to wish i was someone else. then i realized i can be anything i want to be. So, why not be the best instead of some half baked version of what i think someone else is or, even worse, my perception of what i think someone wants me to be. I've read some of the blogs here on zaadz, and i'm not claiming to be some know it all with all the answers or even half as enlightened as some of you all out there. i'm just glad to stand among great people.
       I know i have long way to go, but i am still amazed at how far i have come.

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Well, not too many people actually read these things but if you do, you're in for a surprise because i usually only find time to write when i'm really angry.

As for right now, i'm a pretty happy camper because i think i have everything i wanted last year. I live with the boyfriend who is amazing. i'm in school learning all kinds of interesting things. I'm starting to get that restless feeling that i get before i throw everything away and run in a direction that leaves everything i have now in the dust. once a year i get the feeling like i'm not doing enough or working in the right direction. i always feel like i have to do eighty-five things at once or i won't be productive. Right now i feel like i'm only doing about 25% of the things i should be doing to advance myself. 

It's not like i don't like my life. i like who i am and what i have become, but sometimes i feel like my ordinary self should be doing something extraordinary. I feel like i'm supposed to make some major discovery in this world to advance society, but i just don't know what yet. and i hope i'm moving in the right direction because i hate wasting time. i know i'll get it all done before i die, but i just don't know when i decided to end it all. i mean what if this life i'm supposed to choose not to die.

 Maybe i should've joined the peace corp after college. at least then, i wouldn't worry about not helping people.